Date : Thursday 28 January 2016
Time : 23:16
Title : mini rant.

saw several stuff on the internet about some girls smashing up their boyfriends' gaming discs / gaming consoles / what-have-you ... and i've only one thing in mind ...

Date : Sunday 24 January 2016
Time : 15:15
Title : thoughts.

a few days back, an old friend started talking to me again. let's just call her L. i've known L since i was an awkward preteen going through painful puberty in primary school. my parents liked L a lot because she was a much better student than i was with good grades, a cheerful disposition, an endearing smile for everyone, and very good manners. sometimes i'd get compared to L, but i never once questioned our friendship even after we went to different schools, embarked on different routes in life, and she's still one of my dearest friends - even to this very day.

but it sort of bothers me that after years of not staying in touch, she just out and said she doesn't know what plans i have for the future and she doesn't even know what i'm doing with my life right now, then went on to tell me i really need to leave the nightlife scene behind. well, first off, if you're really close to me you would know i haven't set foot in a club since forever. it's almost a year now i guess. i haven't seen the interior of the club i work for in ages and frankly, i don't have any intention to do so in the meantime until i know i've settled everything else that's taking priority in my life right now. i totally understand that being the best of friends in the past, she has my interests at heart, and i really really appreciate it even after losing touch for so long. but instead of bothering to catch up first, she just went on to say what she thought was the case instead of clarifying. and i guess that stung because well ... there is so much more to what's going on than what i share on facebook and what i upload on instagram.

and i sort of always thought that it's only right that you actually ask stuff like "so what's new? how's life treating you? what's going on lately?" etc., after a period of time of not keeping in touch with someone, because during that time space of not staying in touch a whole lot can have happened to them and you won't know much about it at all, instead of just jumping straight into what you think you know about them.

but that aside i still hold her close to my heart and i plan to meet her soon. ^^

had a bit of an eye-opener in school alone, and it serves to me as another reminder on how fake and two-faced some humans can be. i've also come to see someone's true colors, and i know better now to trust my instincts next time whenever they tell me someone is fake as fuck.

this world is so scary and so cruel, and because there's a huge amount of hypocritical imbeciles around, most people don't even think those who are actually real are for real. it's unfair. there's this huge "trust no one" thing going on in our world today and everyone's just so distrusting of each other that you can barely tell the real apart from the fake anymore. it's very sad.

sometimes i wonder why i bother myself with such matters, but at the same time i can't help but do so. we never know when a sharp knife will land on our backs, and most times the ones that stab you are the ones you least expect them to. it's a sad thought, but it's the harshness of the world.

on to lighter things - i'm working toward a good 2016 and i really want to make it happen. this year is my father's 60th birthday and i'm planning a good celebration. i'm going to exercise strong discipline on myself until i achieve all the little goals i've set for myself this year. i've already achieved one, and that is to not get a single D, E, or F grade for my mid-semester exams. the lowest grade i have is a C+ and it's sort of disappointing, because i really studied for my exams and tried to be extra diligent during lesson time by making notes whenever our lecturers are teaching. but i'm not going to be daunted by this and i'm going to make sure i continue working towards the end goal. i just really hope i don't somehow lose the steam halfway or lose any motivation. it's sort of the final few weeks of this semester already, which means my time as a second-year student in school is coming to a close soon. i'm really hoping i'll be able to hit all my goals and make my parents happy again. :'D

also this year i really hope to be able to cut off toxic people from my life and be a little happier than i was before. i hope that all goes well.

shall stop here for now, x

Date : Saturday 16 January 2016
Time : 00:20
Title : t(-___-)t

just a short list of things that have been pissing me off lately:

Date : Friday 8 January 2016
Time : 20:23
Title : why i broke up with that sad soppy bastard i spent 9 miserable months with

CREDITS TO: The BOLDE


1. Your future husband brings out the best in you. An asshole brings out the crazy, stalker bitch in you.
When I was together with that jerk for almost three months, he told me that actually when he was trying to get with me, he still was in a relationship with his (now) ex-girlfriend. When he was supposed to be texting her, meeting her, spending time with her and so on, it was all with me instead. This doesn't make me feel like the "better" woman or a winner, it only makes me feel like a substitute for his neediness.

2. Your future husband values commitment and partnership. An asshole is just trying to hang out.
He never really viewed me as a human being, and would only hang out with me whenever he felt like it. His idea of spending time together means coercing me into playing random video games and MMORPGs with him the ENTIRE time together. While I enjoy games and all, I also want to really be with you as a person and grow together and all. Not "work hard to marry each other in MapleStory".

3. Your future husband sees your success as his success. An asshole needs to take you down a notch.
This is especially true because I remember my GPA in school has always been higher than his, and one night he actually rang me up on my mobile phone to start a fight with me because "SO WHAT IF YOUR GPA IS HIGHER THAN MINE?! THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU AMAZING! YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT!"

Okay the story goes like this - I was selected to be part of the Student Leaders team for freshmen orientation and he wasn't, even though we both signed up. There are criteria needed to be met before being a SL and one of them is your GPA. The very same day, he had received an email from our lecturer regarding a "revision Q&A lecture session for weaker students" and I hadn't. All I did was tell him I didn't receive it, and try to encourage him in doing better. He got overly-sensitive and lashed out at me and it soon turned into an all-out quarrel. Stupid.

4. Your future husband thinks you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. An asshole’s eyes keep wandering.
That jerk would always be going on and on about how so-and-so looks amazing in that dress and how which girl he walked past on campus that day had amazing legs (he has a leg fetish - and I'm not judgmental about it, I'm okay with it I swear). He would even go so far as to tell me which porn star has the best assets and how I'm inadequate. Yes, he would actually point out my inadequacies and use them against me when we're quarreling. Childish? Very.

5. Your future husband makes you feel secure. An asshole makes you want to check his phone.
I don't know how true his boastful stories are (yes even my family finds him to be very boastful), but he was always going on and on about how he was getting all the ladies in school and how he has "no lack of suitors" and how so many girls are falling for him and shit ... naturally, in the beginning of the 'relationship', it made me scared and all, but over time I grew immune to his boasting. Whenever we quarreled (which was very often mind you, he's so quarrelsome and always finding fault in every damned thing in other humans and I'm no exception), he would say stuff like "I'm not going to put in effort for you anymore. I'll talk to some other girls instead." Lol.

6. Your future husband prioritizes your happiness. An asshole prioritizes his own happiness.
He'll never ask me "what would you like? What do you want to do today? Are you okay with such an arrangement?" Not even once. He has even actually told me "I can't bring myself to spend so much time with you because my games give me more pleasure and more company." Look, I'm cool with the whole gamer-dude-thing that guys have. I'll even play a game or two with you. I might even beat you at it if I'm good. But to say that was a huge turnoff and of course, it's hurtful to hear that from someone. He had no actual goals and he would never study for our exams in school, instead choosing his time to play video/computer games. When I ask him if he wants to study with me, he'll follow me to the library and then fall asleep there and wake up claiming he's got a headache, he's unwell, he's very ill and lethargic ... blah!

I also remember being forced into downloading random games into my laptop and playing with him for hours when I could have been doing better things. Whenever I refused to game with him/go online, he would argue with me or give me the cold shoulder. Crazy.

Also, I understand that every relationship has their own rules. But he was possessive to the point of obsession and I can't stand people like that. He actually forced me to block one of my best male friends on Twitter and even threatened to kill my friend (like legit don a mask and commit murder). After all the physical abuse I went through with him, I feared for my friend's life and blocked him, an action which I really regret until today, because our friendship now (although salvaged somehow, by my current boyfriend heehee) is a little strained and it's sorta hard to go back to where we were before.

7. Your future husband enjoys conversation with you. An asshole just wants you to be quiet.
It's against the law for me have an opinion on things. With my current boyfriend, we have fun discussions and debates, but it's always good-natured and at the end of the day we know we'll always have each others' backs despite our differing views. But with that S.O.B., if I disagree with something he says, I'm doomed because then it turns into an actual quarrel and not healthy conversation anymore. Communicating with him was extremely difficult because he would read WAY TOO MUCH into things and force his beliefs onto me, and he would come up with the worst conclusions of something that made absolutely no sense to anyone else except himself. Don't bother trying to tell him he's wrong, because he's too egoistic to listen.

8. Your future husband makes plans with you in advance. An asshole always pops up out of nowhere the same day.
Plans with that jerk? In advance? LOL I couldn't even celebrate his birthday with him because he didn't want to, and when I planned a surprise for him in school the next day he actually texted me to say he hated surprises and when he saw the cake he was on the verge of smashing it to the ground. Definitely very appreciative.

Then on Valentine's Day he kept saying how after dinner we would be going for ice cream or a movie but in the end after dinner he suddenly went "Look, I'm too tired all of a sudden, so let me send you home." So boring ...

Our time spent together is almost always at his house, with him playing games and me doing my own thang. No interaction at all.

9. Your future husband creates a feeling of forward momentum in the relationship. An asshole wants to keep things exactly as they are.
Five months into the 'relationship' with that jerk I was ABSOLUTELY BORED OUT OF MY MIND because nevermind the fact that he wanted me to give up clubbing and drinking (which I didn't, obviously. Why would I do that for someone so demanding?), he didn't even want to do anything fun like going out to the movies, going out someplace for dinner, going out shopping/window-shopping ... he would always "come to my place". The only times we actually went out was because he wanted something extra at the end of the day at a cheap budget hotel. He had ZERO intentions of spicing things up in the 'relationship' and had zero plans for the future. He only wanted to "form his own DotA team to earn money by winning the WCG". And according to many friends, he's a shit player who refuses to interact and cooperate with anyone on the team. Lazy person with no real goals and a shitty team player, awesome combination.

10. Your future husband makes it clear he’s into you. An asshole keeps you wondering.
We quarreled so often that I started to wonder why exactly we were together. Nothing satisfies this guy and he said the darndest and stupidest things that made me question more than once why the fuck I was with a little boy and not a man.

11. Your future husband makes you feel chased. An asshole is someone you’re always struggling to pin down.
Apart from quarreling with me constantly, he had no qualms about ignoring me for hours on end just because he was in one of his moods again. When I ask if I did or said something wrong to offend him, he would reply with shit like "Figure it out on your own." Sometimes he would even go so far as to compare me with his ex-girlfriend and so on. Yes, he PMSes worse than a little girl.

12. Your future husband consistently reaches out to you. An asshole goes radio silent for days.
See point 11 above.

13. Your future husband texts you just to check in. An asshole texts you when he wants something.
See point 9 above.

14. Your future husband asks about you and your life. An asshole couldn’t care less.
Growing up in a family that's rather traditional and somewhat superstitious, on the first and the last day of the seventh lunar month (a.k.a the Hungry Ghost Festival) I'm not really allowed out of the house until too late at night. When I casually brought this up to him, he started flaring up at me and saying "I hate it when people are so superstitious. Like my ex. Why do people believe in such nonsense?" Okay first of all, why bring your ex into the picture? Secondly, people are free to believe what they want to believe and practice.

Because I'm Peranakan, I'm able to communicate fairly okay in Malay with my Malay friends (of whom I have a fair bit and I love dearly). I love all my friends and I don't really care about their race or religion, in fact I respect everyone's ideas and beliefs even if they're atheists or agnostic or whatever. I like to know about various religions and races and I find culture interesting. I do my best to respect all boundaries and I cannot stand it if someone is rude to someone else simply because of differing races/religions/ideals/beliefs.

Well, he is exactly like one of those humans most of the Internet commonly hate nowadays. He thinks Allahu Akbar is a terrorist's cry and makes rude racist jokes (especially about Malays/Muslims) all the time, even in front of me. When my sister started learning the ways of Islam and learning to wear the hijab, he actually said stuff like "Wtf? Are you going to do that to? Please don't, because I'll run in the opposite direction." Fucktard.

15. Your future husband is great in real life. An asshole looks good only on paper, if that.
But he looks like crap ...

16. Your future husband treats you like a priority. An asshole makes you feel like a backup plan.
See related points above.

17. Your future husband does nice little things for you, just because. An asshole doesn’t.
I've cried more times than I can remember smiling in all the nine months that we were together so there you go.

18. Your future husband wants to show you off to his friends and family. An asshole hides you from them.
He barely even left his house LOL ...

Date : Tuesday 5 January 2016
Time : 23:58
Title : -

what's that feeling called? when your friend - who was quiet, shy, timid, mild-mannered, visibly shorter than you - from school years ago got accepted into the line of work you desired for and interviewed for, yet got rejected due to physical reasons.

before anyone jumps to conclusions i'm not being a whole sourpuss about this. i can't be more than happier for her actually, because i of all humans can tell you that it's really damn freaking wonderful to be able to do something you love and enjoy. recently, i've been scrolling through my facebook newsfeed and i often see status/photo updates from old schoolmates, old friends, people who i (sadly or not-so-sadly, works both ways depending on who it is) do not talk to anymore after leaving the respective institutions we came from. everyone's growing, everyone's grown up, everyone's changed in their own ways. me? i'm still somewhat stuck in this mud. ^^"

i have no regrets whatsoever about my life choices to be honest ... okay, well, there is one: not leaving that bastard when i finally saw him for the jerk that he truly is, and not the nice smooth casanova he was pretending to be when 'chasing' me - all while still being attached to another girl. i kid you not. close friends will know who i'm talking about - that sad soppy asshole i spent nine truly miserable and lonely months with (can you imagine how painful it is to feel lonely in your own relationship, albeit an extremely flawed one that i can't even bring myself to call it a RELATIONSHIP lol), trying to fill that gap in my heart from losing my ex of 5+ years, that feeling which i foolishly and childishly mistook for love when it was just mere substitution on my part. of course i realised this halfway into that relationship - can this word even be used to describe our history together?! - but i didn't have the courage to leave, didn't want to be alone, didn't want to feel empty and wake up without having anyone to meet, anyone to text, anyone to go to for company and so on. i won't reveal his misdeeds here publicly, but i'm sure my closest friends know full well what exactly he did to me to scar me so badly that my current boyfriend is still striving and picking up the pieces of my heart.

all i can say is, even my own father will never lay a hand on me, no matter how rebellious and rude i was while growing up.

but of course, not many people will know the truth because when i finally gathered enough courage to leave, he came up with many many falsehoods and tall tales about me. the unfortunate thing is that naturally when his side of friends heard the stories from him first, they'd believe him better over me. it's all a matter of he-said-she-said and who-said-it-first. i don't seek sympathy, i don't seek attention, and i never needed approval from anyone anyway. i don't see the need to explain myself too much because i know the truth, i know God has eyes and eventually judgment will be passed onto such humans. besides, it's 2016 now, a brand new year, and i'm happy to have left him behind in my past.

more than that, i'm happier for the fact that it was written in my fate to be with someone as marvelous and as loving as my current boyfriend. even though we fight and all, i love him and i don't remember the last time my heart was able to contain this much love for someone. i don't think i've felt such happiness in the longest time. and i'll forever be grateful for his existence and appearance in my life. ♥

the point of this whole entry is for me to just reflect a little on the past, and hopefully by writing them down finally and getting this pain off my chest, i'll be able to live a little better and become who i was once again before i met that imbecile. or maybe, become someone even better after meeting that imbecile. because there will always always be room for improvement, be it at work or at school or in games and most of all as a person in general.

i'm also just musing at how time flies and how old i am now (T.T) and how much everyone around me has grown and changed. i don't really want to be bound by my past pains and sufferings anymore, mainly because i'm really, really, really genuinely happy with my current boyfriend, and i don't wish to burden him further with my scarred soul and heart. i don't want him to have to be dealing with the emotional baggage that has been unceremoniously loaded onto me by someone so immature and incapable of loving someone properly that he can only inflict nothing but pain on to the people around him. i feel like it's time to try and let go somehow.

but then again, it's such a huge emotional trauma. i really don't know how to deal with this. but i'll still have to keep trying don't i, for the sake of my boyfriend and for those around me?

tata for now, x

Date : Sunday 3 January 2016
Time : 15:28
Title : some pictures.

here again to put all the photos i feel like sharing with the world somewhere. well of course, as mentioned in my previous entry, many things have happened - from the time i went on a hiatus from blogging on my previous blog in 2013 till now. as many of you (who are closer to me irl, who are friends with me on facebook, who follow my twitter/instagram) know by now, i've ended my relationship of 5+ years. it's a bit of a pity because we both went a long way together and of course, the first few months following the break up were extremely hard for me. i was lucky to go on a long, much-needed getaway with one of the ladies closest to my heart and her mother to taiwan and hong kong. sad to say, that trip didn't really help me take my ex-boyfriend off my mind and i remember shutting myself up in toilets to bite my tongue and lips to control the tears. nevertheless, it was memorable and i'm glad the trip took place. =)

Date : Saturday 2 January 2016
Time : 21:11
Title : back again, but for how long?

i'm back to blogging, after a hiatus of three years - three because it's already 2016. i've been blogging since 2004 (wow now that was 12 whole years ago OMG AHAHA I FEEL SO DAMN OLD) and i'm not sure how many of you remember/know my old blog URLs, but if you don't know or don't remember it, that's good as well. sometimes, some things are best left forgotten and buried in the past.

i still remember how my blog would be the topic of conversation in school and how it got me a lot of recognition (albeit almost unwanted, but recognition is still recognition anyway yeah?) - back then. well, that was then. i stumbled upon my old blogs (i had two but i'm not planning to reveal either address ... for now. maybe in the future we'll see?) recently and i read my posts ... damn, 13-year-old me sure was a handful huh. and i was so damn rebellious and stupid back then LOL, why did i even torture myself by going back to read those stupid entries ...

but well, i had pretty great memories as well. looking back on several entries did indeed make me smile too. of course, that came with a small tinge of heartache, because i really do wish i can relive some nights/moments again - but then again we all know that isn't possible. maybe someday, in a parallel universe, i probably could, but that's still a major uncertainty.

so definitely a lot of things have happened the past three years i was away from blogging. i don't know what made me stop in the first place. my last blog entry, i was still an intern yet to graduate from ITE (much love to the college i come from, i think of my friends and lecturers and my time there almost every day). in fact, i had just started interning not long ago. what made me stop? was it the lack of time to post regularly? was it me hitting writer's block? was it the fact that i didn't have much energy to convert most of my thoughts into words anymore? i still don't know and i probably won't ever know. but that's still another uncertainty.

i had expected this first entry on this new blog to be real short but this is already the fifth paragraph. little did i know i still have that 'knack' for writing and penning my thoughts. i remember my old diaries - yes handwritten ones, are they still a thing in this digital age today? - and how i would write late into the night when i was younger. i've always loved writing and spinning stories (well, not lie, definitely not), and i always wanted to be a published writer, but writing just isn't easy. i'm scared of failure and to be successful you sorta have to fail first and a million times after, perhaps. and it's exactly this thing preventing me from doing anything that will make me genuinely happy in my life right now. weird how i know what's the issue yet i'm too afraid to tackle it, huh ... humans are just so ironic and i'm a living example.

God has definitely been very very good to me all these years - from the moment i was born until now, and i'm so old now ... well, i feel that i'm really very very old, as compared to everyone else in my circle of friends. i've lost many, but i've also gained many, and i guess God is fair. i've had my fair share of heartache and happiness, but all in all i guess i'm pretty okay with everything right about now.

maybe i'll try to be a little more active on blogger right now that i've decided to start afresh. i know this blog will not be read as by many humans as there were on my previous blog, but i'm fine keeping a relatively low profile.