Date : Monday 29 August 2016
Time : 14:26
Title : some opinions

i'm quite tired of having to repeat myself again and again but THE JOKER AND HARLEY QUINN ARE NOT RELATIONSHIP GOALS OKAY.

but well, i'm not pointing fingers or anything. i'm just expressing my opinions. :)

seriously!! all that talk about 'being attracted to a psychopath' or 'needing myself a man like the joker' or 'wanna be as badass as harley' or 'i ship them so bad' - stop.

i'm starting to actually hate the word "goals" because of this.

i'm quite sick of people glorifying the relationship between the joker and harley quinn and terming it "relationship goals" ... there is NOTHING "goals" about their relationship, alright? it's so scary to see people of all ages say they want a partner like the two comic book characters, or that they want a relationship like that, simply because of the way suicide squad portrayed the relationship. because david ayer cut out SO many of jared leto's scenes that it doesn't show us how terrible their relationship is. the joker and harley quinn are insane. like you guys call yourselves fans of these characters simply based off a movie that was a little inaccurate? just because the joker and harley quinn in suicide squad are so damn good-looking?


okay let me clarify this: i understand how we all tend to jump on the bandwagon over something 'in trend' at the moment, when something is soooooooooo hyped up (like that freaking taiwanese brand of milk tea that hit singaporean stores LOL, that some singaporeans had to actually sweep boxes of them off the shelves and prevent others from trying a bottle or two). it's completely fine to see new things, try new things, expose yourself to new things. that's life y'know. i just can't stand it when people romanticize abuse and call it "goals".

i'm not just saying this being a victim of abuse myself. i'm speaking up for all the other victims in this world, too - victims who have been shut down so forcibly and crudely, victims who seem to have lost their voice, victims who feel so broken and crippled. and i want to tell you all that THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU, you're a fighter, you're a survivor. you CAN get out of this. you are NOT alone.

Date : Monday 15 August 2016
Time : 20:11
Title : HI PUDDIN'!

been ages since my last blog entry ... well where should i start? hmm, life has been pretty okay so far i guess? school, my boyfriend, good friends, good beer nights, good supper and chill out nights, pokemon go taking over the world (team mystic all the way!), movies, and stuff~

9 August 2016; suicide squad + train to busan + timothy's last official day as a civilian before his two-year singaporean son duty!
yay, 16th month together! the boyfriend and i caught deadpool in GV gold class and so we decided the highly-anticipated suicide squad had to be watched the same way, in style and extra comfort as well. HAHA. but this time we decided to give cathay's platinum suites a try! ^_^ money pretty well-spent hehe.




yeah i actually went out looking like that. i bought that harley quinn reversible skater dress from blackmilk clothing a few years ago but never really got the chance to wear it or anything, but enter suicide squad!!! seems that this purchase was specially done just for this day AHAHA.

timothy came over to meet us after our movie and we went off for dinner before going to catch train to busan, a thriller korean zombie apocalypse movie. it was so intense, i barely laid back in the movie seat the moment the action started. i was totally expecting the main character to survive though. really unfortunate his character had to be killed off. T_T and kim su-an's acting was just SO good and it made us all so emotional. two thumbs up!!


okay ... so how do i feel about suicide squad? well i know it's over-said by now but jared leto really deserved more screen time, he went through all that preparation and research for his role and for all his dedication he only got screen time for probably a total of 15 minutes (or less)? heck, the guy spent time with PSYCHOPATHS and MURDERERS to prepare for his role, someone give him some award of recognition or something!

oh and i really don't like that joker and harley quinn's relationship in the movie was portrayed so romantically. i've always grown up with exposure to marvel and DC (my family loves them equally so yeah) so i know all along that harley quinn (who actually is dr. harleen frances quinzel) and the joker don't actually share a 'normal' / healthy relationship. i've always liked her and several other characters but when i spent 9 months with that cunt of a being i went through my own fair share of abuse, and i gravitated more and more towards her.

why do people stay in abusive relationships? why is it so hard for us to get out? is it fear - of being alone? or the fear of being sent threats and many other things when you decide to walk away (like what happened to me in the end)? or is it just plain obsession, plain addiction, plain ... love?

whatever it is, the joker and harley quinn are NOT 'relationship goals'. yes, it's absolutely romantic in the final movie that hit the silver screens, but no. anyway, didn't it strike any one of you odd that for all the crazy prince charming the joker seemed to be, why wasn't he in the car underwater with harley when the caped crusader was pursuing them (in the movie)? she clearly screamed "i can't swim!" and when they were submerged, why was our favorite clown prince of crime nowhere to be found?

also, in the comics, harley gets pushed down into the vat of chemicals - the very same chemicals that led to the joker's current image. in the movie, she free falls into the vat of chemicals willingly. what the actual fuck.

before i caught the movie i was already appalled at how bad the reviews were, and for a moment i didn't understand why. then when my girlfriends discussed it in our whatsapp group chat i realised the movie portrays this mad love (haha, for those of you who know!!) very differently. i'm not sure why the movie wants people, especially females, who don't read the comics or don't know anything about the DCU, to desire a relationship like that of the joker and harley's. yeah, it's really cool and sweet that he goes through all that trouble to save her from belle reve, i admit. that's a romantic action. but the relationship CONCERNING THESE TWO is nothing romantic nor sweet nor anything hashtag rs goals.

i feel really strongly about this not to 'show off' or show that i am in any way superior to those who don't read the comics/don't know anything about the DCU. i feel strongly about this because i am a victim of abuse and it actually scares me that females of all ages are actually posting stuff like "need me a man like the joker in my life" or anything along those lines on their social medias. they always say, be careful what you wish for, and oh how i swear to God when it does happen to you, you'll wish you never said those words ...

the joker isn't capable of love. i remember once, when he realised he actually did have feelings for harley quinn, he sent her off in a rocket or something. he's warped beyond repair and he's so unstable and unsound that he cannot deal with feelings of that sort and this confusion brings about all his attempts to kill her. how is that sweet? how is that 'relationship goals'? someone who isn't entirely capable of love or embracing love? i spent nine months of what could have been the best days of my life blaming myself for not being good enough to gain that cunt's affections when now, on hindsight, it was just me covering up and making excuses for his pathetic being?

many comics and animated series often has harley quinn saying things like "it's my fault" or anything similar along those lines of self-loathing and thinking the blame lies with her - which is exactly what emotional abuse does to people. you start making excuses for them, for their wicked behavior, that you forget you're a beautiful being fully deserving of all the love you should get and more. you start thinking that "maybe the fault lies with me" "i'm not muscular enough" "i'm just not pretty enough" "i should have stopped trying to fight with him, he's right about everything" and all that crap, all this while actively ignoring the voice inside you that's SCREAMING out to you that this is wrong beyond words and you should gtfo of this abusive, unhealthy relationship. but you still stay, you still stay every time because you end up telling yourself it's okay because you love them.

which brings me back to the questions i posed before, why do we stay in abusive relationships? why do we want the things that are clearly no good for us? "why don't you just leave?" people often ask, but it's not that easy. many times we hope that they will change, we think that our love will change them, but it just doesn't happen y'know? also, it's not easy because our confidence and our self-esteem has been smashed into all that tiny smithereens by our abuser; "you'll never find someone who loves you like me" ... and slowly it just settles into us, it eats us inside every day, and we start believing the things that aren't even true/applicable to us in the first place. we start believing that we're not good enough, we're too quarrelsome, we're doing too many things to make them jealous, we're doing things that make us untrustworthy to them, and so much more ... when in the first place THEY'RE the ones with that major inferiority complex so they try to bring us down to their pathetic levels, so we can stay with them. so they have someone to "love". and then they'll start making us think we're really pathetic and really useless and that having them makes us 'really really lucky' ... honey, i think NOT.

it's not easy to leave an abusive relationship (trust me, I FUCKING KNOW) but i'm so glad i did. i'm in a much happier position and i'm with someone who truly makes me feel like the princess i KNOW i was born to be, living back up to the name my parents gave me (for those who know, my birth name means goddess, and it's a popular female name in indonesia ahahaha). i'm trying to get back my confidence, trying to stand up stronger, trying every single fucking day to forget - but you don't forget. you just bear it better.

before you go about running your mouth - for the record i know probably many other females (or males, even. nobody is exactly safe from abusive relationships) have experienced worse than me and here i am being "such a wuss", well ...


harley quinn was never meant to be a character for females to idolise/look up to. yes, before she became the joker's sidekick, she was a great role model. but overall, this character is a tragic one and i think in the first place i was attracted to that because of the sadness of it all, this odd crippling beauty that is a little hard to put into words. i'm not saying those who don't know anything about the DCU can't like harley quinn/the joker/anyone else, i'm not saying y'all can't be a fan of them. but it's unsettling how suddenly, so many females are trying to get a relationship like theirs, and it's NOT cool at all. i didn't have anybody by my side to really help me through those abusive months (i mean like i still had friends and all but i barely told anybody about what i went through, yes because i was afraid i would be yelled at or hit again if i started speaking up) and it's SO scary and SO difficult to recover from, and i don't actually want anyone else to be suffering the same fate, if not worse. after all, women should help other women, and i don't understand why there are so many girls out there who will still try to bring other girls down, "just because". tsk.

oh and why did i go out dressed like that? well, it all started with a bunch of suicide squad cosplayers on the MRT on the NEL (purple line) to create hype for the movie that was about to hit singapore theatres then. there was a video about them and it appeared on STOMP.sg (i really hate this website) and of course, the STOMP facebook page had it too. i believe this was a form of guerrilla marketing for the movie promotions, and anyway it was just some harmless fun to inject a bit of color into an otherwise dull commute on the NEL. nothing wrong with that right? well, the comments on the video really pissed me off so badly, here are some of the negative ones (with a few positive ones inside as well):


i stepped in to speak up for the cosplayers as well, partly because of my cosplayers pride even though i'm not active in the community anymore. but really, why do people have to be so mean to one another lol. especially that stupid "harley pot belly" comment ... wtf dude the cosplayer looks fine to me and ALL OF THEM have the guts to do something different. tsk, people say singapore is a boring place to live in and when out-of-the-blue things happen, insults and jeers come in. it's almost the same as this pokemon go craze, well i admit it's starting to get a bit out of hand but i don't know why those who don't play the game have to insult those who do. like, why can't we all just live and let live lol. like i don't laugh at you for using snapchat filters to turn your head into bloody strawberries so why are you insulting me for trying to get my eevee? (i currently have 17 eevees in my pocket idky, they're just too cute i have to catch whatever i see)

i got so irritated that i told myself i'll go catch the movie with that makeup and that dress and put my hair up in twin tails. and yes, even if nobody noticed or if everyone who walked past me judged me, i didn't care then and i don't care now. i probably won't ever care about it in future as well. i felt pretty much the same as i always do, just like any other day. these cosplayers were brought in for purposes and reasons and the main one was to create hype and generate attention for the movie that was gonna be released in singapore then. as a cosplayer, i don't expect you to love or understand what i do and why i do it. but some appreciation (and CONSTRUCTIVE comments) would be nice. even without appreciation, it's okay. you do your thing and i'll do mine. we don't get in each other's way of life. wonderful. all's well ends well, isn't that right?

okay i know this turned out to be a SUPER LENGTHY post so i don't know how many of you actually made it to the end here but if you did, i thank you.

xoxo