Date : Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Time : 23:58
Title : -

what's that feeling called? when your friend - who was quiet, shy, timid, mild-mannered, visibly shorter than you - from school years ago got accepted into the line of work you desired for and interviewed for, yet got rejected due to physical reasons.

before anyone jumps to conclusions i'm not being a whole sourpuss about this. i can't be more than happier for her actually, because i of all humans can tell you that it's really damn freaking wonderful to be able to do something you love and enjoy. recently, i've been scrolling through my facebook newsfeed and i often see status/photo updates from old schoolmates, old friends, people who i (sadly or not-so-sadly, works both ways depending on who it is) do not talk to anymore after leaving the respective institutions we came from. everyone's growing, everyone's grown up, everyone's changed in their own ways. me? i'm still somewhat stuck in this mud. ^^"

i have no regrets whatsoever about my life choices to be honest ... okay, well, there is one: not leaving that bastard when i finally saw him for the jerk that he truly is, and not the nice smooth casanova he was pretending to be when 'chasing' me - all while still being attached to another girl. i kid you not. close friends will know who i'm talking about - that sad soppy asshole i spent nine truly miserable and lonely months with (can you imagine how painful it is to feel lonely in your own relationship, albeit an extremely flawed one that i can't even bring myself to call it a RELATIONSHIP lol), trying to fill that gap in my heart from losing my ex of 5+ years, that feeling which i foolishly and childishly mistook for love when it was just mere substitution on my part. of course i realised this halfway into that relationship - can this word even be used to describe our history together?! - but i didn't have the courage to leave, didn't want to be alone, didn't want to feel empty and wake up without having anyone to meet, anyone to text, anyone to go to for company and so on. i won't reveal his misdeeds here publicly, but i'm sure my closest friends know full well what exactly he did to me to scar me so badly that my current boyfriend is still striving and picking up the pieces of my heart.

all i can say is, even my own father will never lay a hand on me, no matter how rebellious and rude i was while growing up.

but of course, not many people will know the truth because when i finally gathered enough courage to leave, he came up with many many falsehoods and tall tales about me. the unfortunate thing is that naturally when his side of friends heard the stories from him first, they'd believe him better over me. it's all a matter of he-said-she-said and who-said-it-first. i don't seek sympathy, i don't seek attention, and i never needed approval from anyone anyway. i don't see the need to explain myself too much because i know the truth, i know God has eyes and eventually judgment will be passed onto such humans. besides, it's 2016 now, a brand new year, and i'm happy to have left him behind in my past.

more than that, i'm happier for the fact that it was written in my fate to be with someone as marvelous and as loving as my current boyfriend. even though we fight and all, i love him and i don't remember the last time my heart was able to contain this much love for someone. i don't think i've felt such happiness in the longest time. and i'll forever be grateful for his existence and appearance in my life. ♥

the point of this whole entry is for me to just reflect a little on the past, and hopefully by writing them down finally and getting this pain off my chest, i'll be able to live a little better and become who i was once again before i met that imbecile. or maybe, become someone even better after meeting that imbecile. because there will always always be room for improvement, be it at work or at school or in games and most of all as a person in general.

i'm also just musing at how time flies and how old i am now (T.T) and how much everyone around me has grown and changed. i don't really want to be bound by my past pains and sufferings anymore, mainly because i'm really, really, really genuinely happy with my current boyfriend, and i don't wish to burden him further with my scarred soul and heart. i don't want him to have to be dealing with the emotional baggage that has been unceremoniously loaded onto me by someone so immature and incapable of loving someone properly that he can only inflict nothing but pain on to the people around him. i feel like it's time to try and let go somehow.

but then again, it's such a huge emotional trauma. i really don't know how to deal with this. but i'll still have to keep trying don't i, for the sake of my boyfriend and for those around me?

tata for now, x