Date : Friday, 25 March 2016
Time : 22:45
Title : if i cut you off, it's probably because you handed me the scissors.

i never understood a particular someone who used to be part of my life. yes, used to, because we don't talk anymore (that's a good song by charlie puth and selena gomez btw) and i'm glad i cut her off. now on the rare occasion that i do happen to see her/bump into her (we're in the same school and course lol), i'm actually very civil and coolly polite to her - when truth is i'm really so so uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, how i should act/react, and what i should say.

she used to be a friend. together with a group of other friends. we'd hang out together and eat and talk and joke and have fun and stuff. we'd share things together and sometimes have heart-to-hearts. so i just find it appalling that someone i thought was nice and sincere to me would actually betray me in this shameful manner that still haunts me and hurts me to this very day, leaving me wondering all the time just what in the world i did wrong to deserve this.

and up until now, i still don't have an answer.

(sorry but only my closest friends will know exactly what i'm talking about.)

i have never once been mean or rude to her. in fact, even after discovering this shocking truth which made me view her in a different light, i still regarded her as a good friend and tried to put the past behind me. many can vouch for me on this. but how can anyone do that so easily? can you? i've tried, and failed. i can't. i don't really have that big of a heart unlike some of you kinder souls out there. and i don't think i ever will be able to forgive her, because this has left such a huge scar on my heart. another huge scar.

them humans who know of this incident of betrayal will think maybe i'm putting the blame on the girl alone and not on the other party just as equally involved. well, i'm not like some girls who blame the 'other woman', because i know BOTH parties involved in the scandal are equally to blame. i blame them both. i hate them both for doing this to me and for further ruining my outlook on life and love.

we're all well aware that the man is to blame, too. however, if women kept their legs closed to married/taken men and actually respected other women, where does all the cheating go? do the math. 

i tried my best to ignore it, and believe me i am still trying my utmost best to do so. but even after cutting her off from my life it seems like it's not going away. that haunting ghost of a memory comes back to laugh at me from time to time ever so often. i'd really like to say that i've come to terms with my pain and am slowly embarking on a journey of healing, but that's damn well not the case.

several things have taken place involving her, and i'm starting to wonder if i ever knew her at all. the more i see, the less i know, and the more i'd like to let it go; let this so-called friendship go, this so-called friend that probably didn't even regard me as one, because friends don't do such things to each other, right? guess my nicety was just all in vain, seeing how she could actually betray me and still try to keep it under wraps hoping i would never find out - but girl, you thought wrong.

i'm not stupid and i've lived slightly longer than the both of them. with unfortunate prior experience, i can smell infidelity from miles away (i think frankly, everyone can. some may choose to call you out on your behavior while some won't, but it doesn't mean they don't know). the best part is i've never received a word of apology from the two who hurt me so deeply in this manner, yet i have been apologising a million times for being hurt about it. i really wonder why this is so, and i really can't seem to fathom why i had to be betrayed this way. am i not good enough of a human that i have to suffer such a blow, from two humans at once? furthermore, one of them being someone extremely, extremely, extremely dear to me?

well, maybe i really just am not good enough. :'D

the more i think about it, the happier i am for cutting her off. her ridiculousness and the fact that she doesn't even know what she wants is appalling to me. truth be told i've considered several times trying to be friends again, but in me is already this set fear that if i do, history will repeat itself - or even worse, other terrible things will happen in future. it's a bit of a struggle for me here. and as mentioned earlier, cutting her off doesn't help me much because the pain still remains.

i'm pretty damn proud of myself for surviving all sorts of physical, emotional and sexual abuse in the past. so maybe, hopefully, someday i can look back and say this incident is just another one of those trials that i survived. but for now, i'm still hurting.

.

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.

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it was pretty obvious from the start what you were doing to me, but i tried to play it cool until that incident took place. even after that, i still tried to be a friend to you and tried to continue our friendship pretending nothing happened. i guess all this time, you were just taking me for granted and making me play the fool. because of you, i find it hard to trust and i find it hard to give my all to anyone. because of you, all the time i have serious thoughts of burning the dress i wore that night that incident took place. because of you, i don't actually know how to react whenever i see you around or have to have anything to do with you - at all.

and because of you, the people that we both know are all put in difficult positions because nobody knows what to do about things.

now, the more i look at the people around me affected by your behavior, the more i wonder why i even bothered being so nice to you up until the day i decided to shut you out of my life. i really don't understand what you're trying to achieve by leading all these guys on, thinking you're oh-so-desirable (truth hurts, but all my friends don't find you the least bit attractive lel, both on the outside and the inside), especially with your habits of being overly-friendly to guys who are already attached AND being flirtatious even when YOU were attached yourself. those guys are taken, which clearly screams off-limits and out-of-bounds. would it kill you to flirt with somebody else? don't even get me started on what you did when you were in a relationship, it's just as appalling, if not more. do you honestly think it's a great thing that oh-so-many guys are 'after you'?


you're unbelievable. to think i sincerely regarded you as a friend right from the very beginning. i really can't think of what i did to you - and to the other party just as involved in this incident of betrayal - to deserve this. you just can't resist guys who treat you a little better, you just don't seem to know what being faithful and loyal to someone is, you just cannot respect the boundaries everyone has for themselves. you don't seem to know what being a friend is all about, either. you develop random crushes and feelings for guys way too easily and you think that everything is supposed to be rainbows and butterflies for you. well, sorry honey, that's not what love is.






& does anyone actually know who their real friends are?

Date : Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Time : 02:04
Title : hey.

haven't been blogging for a while. the holidays are going by fine so far even though i'm stuck in this country ... nothing particularly exciting or extraordinary, but i'm contented because i get to spend time with all my loved ones and that's important in this day and age. the world is corrupt, society is ugly, and life is never promised. i think it's really important to be able to take in your loved ones' smiles and be with them as much as possible before ... well, y'know.

so the past few weeks have gone by without *much* incident ... except for several emotional ones. but well, all's well ends well so they say. hopefully, things begin to look up a bit. i'm just getting a little sick and tired of having to feel so down most days.

18 March 2016
met with my girlfriends for dinner at 49 Seats and a chill-out sesh. talked and caught up with each other, went prawning (actually only charlene prawned, noelle and i were like bit-role actors haha ...), then their friends came by. :D

noelle had to go off first, so four of us - charlene and i and the two other friends - continued to hang out with each other. another friend joined shortly after and we went over to swee choon for supper. yay to yummy dim sum and delectable salted egg yolk custard buns (I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEMMMM), but no to gaining weight ... =((((( still, it was just all in good time, and it's not often we get to hang out. ><"

after supper, we just continued hanging out until about 3-ish in the morning before heading home. ^^ alcohol-free friday for noelle, charlene and i wahahaha.


20 March 2016
took my mom and sister down to changi beach park together with my precious dog, robin, so he could play on the beach with them. we had dinner at bistro@changi right at the beach afterwards. it's also where my boyfriend works at, so it was a real treat to finally get to see him after going a while without being able to. it was also nice for little robin, as he absolutely LOVES my boyfriend and was so excited at being finally able to see him and receive his loving pats. too adorable. ^3^



after dinner, we walked around a bit more, and after going home i got my things and went back down to meet with the boyfriend and jyhan. it's nice to spend time with them, especially jyhan, as before that night it really had been quite a while. talked and caught up with each other as always, then parted ways. ^_^

i don't actually remember what happened the last few days LOL. ^^"

and frankly, i have way too much on my mind and i'm getting poorer with words. somehow, i just really can't find the right words to say, the right words to convert my real feelings into. sometimes it feels better to be quiet and to keep things to myself, yet other times i feel so lonely i could scream because it often feels like i don't have a single soul in this world to turn to who can understand how i feel. it's a little selfish of me to feel this way because i know i'm surrounded with lovely family members and lovely friends and a loving boyfriend, but sometimes things just ... get to you, y'know? like, i'm only human at the end of the day and i can't expected to be smiling and hyperactive all the time.

Date : Wednesday, 2 March 2016
Time : 01:25
Title : ramblings.

ended my final semester examinations on leap day 2016 (29/02/2016) and i hope i didn't screw up. LOL. feeling pretty good about everything overall but as it is with most things i'm afraid to be too hopeful or happy because ... well, everything hits you hard just as you're feeling on top of the world.