i love him hehe.

actually everyone does, he's so cute how can you not like him.

i was really supposed to be preparing my notes and doing my work/research for classes, FYP, and the upcoming mid-semester exams - but then i got distracted and i just somehow lost the energy to go on for tonight so i went to lurk around facebook / twitter / instagram.

doesn't help that i told myself i'll only buy a fresh pack of cigarettes tomorrow so i'm left with nothing to smoke for the rest of the night.

y'know how lurking pretty much never gets you anywhere except shit moods and overthinking? guess i got my due punishments for not being focused enough on what's important. ='D

i feel like i'm a myriad of beings ... i want to be a journalist. i want to be doing PR. i want to be an air stewardess (YA LAUGH GO AHEAD, I KNOW I FALL SHORT OF THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT BY A FEW CM SIGHHHH). i want(ed?) to be a DJ - in both senses of the word, a radio deejay and a nightclub disc jockey. i want to be a writer. i want to be an actress. i want to be a playwright. i want to be a director. i want to be managing hotels or a travel agency. i want to be so many things all at once that i think i'm being unrealistic - or not.

not that i'm giving up on anything as of now.

y'know being an air stewardess was something that stuck with me since i was young and growing up in the airport where my mom worked at (and is still working at, so proud of my mom - and dad - hehe). i always thought it would be nice to join my mother in familiar grounds (y'know, the airport, tourism, traveling, things like that) and to be able to have something in common with my mother ... so this little dream is always something i held close to me, even when life kept steering me in different directions and throwing me off-course.

but naturally when you're growing up you're forced to rethink your options and/or keep your options open and try to carve out the life you've always wanted for yourself. i'm big on believing in myself no matter what, like i do have my down days but i keep telling myself i shouldn't give up until i'm satisfied. it's what keeps me going in school now, in a course i didn't want to be in and didn't select to be in. still, i keep pressing on and i still keep my goals close to me. i may not be sure about a lot of things as of now but i still have a goal, some goals, an aim - that motivates me and makes me want to get out of bed every morning (or afternoon LOL) and chip away. like i do anything really - be it reading and researching and watching youtube videos to learn new things or just do my schoolwork ... just, anything to help me in life. results may not be apparent now but i hope someday, i'll be able to say i made it.

because i know success is a long and arduous journey i always feel good to see people i know/people around me succeed and/or are on their ways to success, or even content and happy with their lives. life is not an easy journey and oftentimes we're thrown off-track and forced to think on our feet, looking for the next best route to take. but sometimes it does get to me especially when i see people my age or younger (the latter always hurts me more lol) already making it and living the life they wanted ... like tonight. like i was just lurking and i got hurt. that's what you get for not staying focused on your studies, self. =___=

don't get me wrong, i'm really not envious or jealous or being a sourpuss or hating ... i'm just really demoralised right now even though i tell myself every day i have to do it and i will do it and i will make it - y'know, short little mantras that we all tell ourselves to help make life a little better. i encourage myself a lot in my mind. i look up motivational quotes and success stories and the like and i tell myself someday this will be me. i keep pressing on and i don't want to give up. but i'm human and i have my emotions and it's just really sad - for me. like what the fuck have i been doing with my life, y'know?

i'm not that young anymore and i really doubt i'll have enough time to achieve all i ever wanted to achieve in this lifetime. i'm not 100% healthy anyway and i may not live long enough to reap the fruits of my labor (i choose to believe there will be). i always tell myself enough with the comparisons, everyone is different, everyone has their reasons for taking the paths they took ... but it's just quite disheartening at times and i'm just feeling pretty lost at the moment. i mean i know when i go to bed and wake up for school i'll probably be chanting little encouragements to myself in my head again and try again ... but sometimes it just really gets to me. like what have i done, what did i do wrong, why did i do what i did?

i know it's not good to be sitting around and moping a lot and not doing shit about it but i can't help it sometimes. i feel sadness and pain, just like you. in ten years, if there's ever a 'class reunion' or anything of that sort like they do in the states, what will i have to tell others? everything just scares and saddens me right now and everything really seems quite uncertain to me.

but i know i'll be okay someday ... right?