Date : Sunday, 18 September 2016
Time : 16:10
Title : september.

september is my - and my sister's - birthday month, but this year i feel very indifferent about my birthday. well, first off, i've started my internship with several other friends in a large japanese multi-national IT firm. tomorrow is technically day 5 of internship (not counting the weekends right?) and i hope it'll be good. 💪

after our exams, we had about two weeks of holidays before starting internship. several good happenings took place those two weeks actually - such as bf's birthday, jasmin's ROM at her house, a short catch-up session with my dear muzirah, dinner and catch-up session with the two darlings timothy and umaira, chill-out sessions and/or just simply spending time with my one and only boyfriend, dinner (a birthday treat from the nicest CK) with bf and his great bros ... 😁😁 really grateful to have amazing people in my life!!

some pictures -

5 September 2016; bf's birthday!!! ❤️
met up with bf's colleagues mayor and priscilla at fengshan bedok 85 at 11+ at night to prepare to surprise bf - and bobo (bf's supervisor at work) too, as they both share the same birthday hehe. the three of us had to wait for quite a while as the rest were coming straight from work and they knocked off at 11pm. when everyone was settled down i treated them to a bucket of beer first, before adrian (their nice boss hehe) came in and paid for almost everything we ate and drank that night. >_< thank you adrian!!!


a lot of them left shortly after most of the food and half of the beer was finished, as they were tired from work and some had things to attend to the following morning. in the end it was just me with bf, adrian and ravi chilling out after eating and drinking all the beer hahaha.

in the evening, went over to bf's workplace for more drinking and chilling with the rest again. plenty of heart-to-heart talks and laughter all around. grateful that bf introduced me to them rather early on in our relationship and that we all managed to quickly become friends, and that they don't exclude me in anything or treat me differently just because i don't work there. =')

8 September 2016; Jasmin's ROM + catch-up sesh with Muzirah!





10 September 2016; day out with bf, Timothy, and Umaira!




12 September 2016; last day of freedom before internship *boohoo*
not many photos taken that day but i'm really thankful to bf's bros alvin, chengkhiang, and yueyan for their presence that evening! short time out together but i had a good time all the same.



my internship so far has been okay i guess. glad to have great friends with me in the same company that makes it all bearable. ='D also feeling beyond grateful to my mother and grandmother for their red packet of blessings and well-wishes before 13/09 came. it's not about the money inside, but their thoughts and regards for my well-being and their wanting me to do well. ❤️


16 September 2016; my birthday.
honestly i didn't have much of an intention to celebrate my birthday this year. on 15/09 some of us were sent over to the national institute of education (at freaking nanyang walk omg, my journey there was torture) which is like an overhead bridge away from nanyang technological university.

a little digression - long ago i told myself i would really fight tooth and nail to be admitted into a university after attaining my diploma and i was really looking to get a degree in either philosophy, sociology, english, or communication studies - in NTU. but right now i retract my statements for two reasons: 1) the fucking arduous journey i have to make from home to school five days a week, and 2) my current grades are simply not good enough to grant me admission. the latter hurts me a lot but the first reason was enough to piss me off on thursday morning lol. i got lost so many times and i was all alone in this other side of singapore and it was SO BLOODY WARM. >=(

so anyway i was already pissed off and moody and warm and when we went for lunch at NTU i felt even worse. i bet almost all those students there are either my age or a year younger, and they're in university - the final lap of education before coming out to society as a working adult. and me? struggling to complete internship smoothly and get my diploma. these people are working on their way to a degree and what am i doing?

let's not forget that a lot of people i went to school with, who are my age, are already working adults and most of them doing what they love.

nowdays i look around at people i used to know and while i'm genuinely happy for everyone embarking on their own paths and being happy with their lives, a very large part of me can't help but be almost depressed that i'm somewhat stuck in a rut. when i was younger people looked at me with so much promise and potential and now i'm just shying away from these very people whose chests would practically SWELL with pride in seeing me succeed. i don't talk to a lot of people anymore not just because life has gotten in the way, but because i don't feel like i fit in with them or i can match up to these standards.

people who are closer to me can see me struggling right now in this course and school, and they have said once or twice how impressed they are with me for not giving up and for trying to make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed me. but what nobody actually sees is this major inferiority that eats me alive every passing day.

right now, that's exactly what i'm feeling. adults think i'm still a child, whereas children think i'm this half-adult of sorts; a clumsy adult bumping into life's obstacles and still pretty much clueless about pretty much most things. at this age i feel that i'm sucked into a huge vortex of emotions and thoughts and judgments, and it's this huge roller-coaster ride every single day which i can't seem to get off. i love roller-coasters and fun park rides but on this ride in life i think i'm about to be sick real soon.

i'm still grateful for pretty much everything though - the dinner + drinking session with timothy and umaira which tim said was for bf's and my birthdays, dinner at yoogane with the boys for our birthdays too, and for the little birthday celebration bf and the lovely peeps at bf's workplace. i'm also grateful to all who greeted me on my birthday and took their time to remember me, and for my amazing friends who actually wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. i'm sorry no plan actually materialised, due to several reasons, but i'm still grateful y'all had the thoughts. =')



here's to better days,

xo