Date : Wednesday, 8 March 2017
Time : 04:26
Title : from the bottom of my broken heart.

7 March 2017, 19:53.

this was when my mother left me, left us, left this world.

in september of 2017, i will turn 24. my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 12 years old. it has been an intensely long fight against cancer for my mother, a decade and two years to be exact. in my immediate family, my mother's passing is the second death i will have to live with, the first being my dearly beloved late grandfather - her father - when i was 6. many of you don't know this, and probably cannot tell - especially from the way i carry myself, but i carry with me this sort of trauma and grief from watching him die before my very eyes. it is an unpleasant - and even this word is an understatement - feeling to feel your loved one's hand turn from warm to stone cold in yours.

it is with my greatest regret that i could not even say my final goodbyes to my mother when she left, because i was on my way to attending my late grandfather's younger brother's funeral when it happened. i am not usually very superstitious by nature, but i guess it is true when they say never to cut your nails at night, because if you do, you will not be with your parents when they die. this superstition held very true for me, and although i sound quite unfeeling in this entry, all of you cannot fathom the hurt and guilt and grief i carry inside. i think my mother did not wait for me to reach the hospital before leaving because she wanted to spare me the emotional torture i still carry from my grandfather's death. even in death, i like to think she was still sparing a thought for my feelings.

not that it makes me feel any better.

i have not been the greatest daughter to my parents - brazen, arrogant, overly-confident, even rude and cold at times. my parents have grown old and weary from their teachings and naggings and scoldings and even beatings and death threats, yet i came to realise my mistakes only when i was still in my teens. even so, until now, i feel that i am still that arrogant kid they often had to go down to school to apologise to my teachers/lecturers for some very unkind and unforgivable behavior/words. especially my mother, who went through that period of immense sadness when i very nearly got expelled from ITE.

because i was wrapped up in my own times of turmoil, i selfishly distanced myself from my family, choosing instead to make them happy by living up to their educational expectations of me as the eldest child, trying my utmost best in school and bringing home grades that they would deem acceptable. my younger sister, on the other hand, sacrificed all she had in her life at that point in time when my mother's cancer took a turn for the worse. my sister did everything she could for our mother, and i will never get the chance to apologise to my mother now for not being there for her enough. i only did so when it started getting a little too late. as everyone says, it is useless regretting now, but i can't help myself.

when i was asked to bring my mother's things to the hospital in preparation for the funeral, i felt like shooting myself through my head with a gun would hurt less than having to go through her things one by one - and yet not knowing what she would have liked to be dressed in in her death. i am not writing this for pity, but i really feel like a fucking failure as her daughter - the elder one, in fact. i do not know how to face my mother when i see her again when my time comes, because there are so many things i want to say to her, do with her and for her, yet i have been robbed of words - the same way i have been robbed of future days with her. even in her passing, i am still nothing but a failure.

my mother was a beautiful woman full of love, kindness, and optimism. she always had a kind smile and kind words for everyone, and she was so cheerful and wise. she tolerated me for 24 whole years of her life yet she lost her battle against cancer and i'm not sure why ... but if this is Heaven's will, if my late grandfather has to have her join him, i can't say or do anything about it. i just hope that people - those who do know my mother and/or have memories with her - remember my mother's warmth and genuinity, my mother's smile and laughter, my mother's triumphs and joys, my mother's strength and unrelenting fight against cancer ... until this fateful day.

cancer. fucking. sucks.

on a side note it's only the third month into 2017 and i already feel like nothing will ever go well for me. the man i love left me in february, and now in march my mother left me. i'm not sure what else can break my already broken heart further and i don't know if i can ever find the strength to carry on in life properly, but i know my mother fought so long and so hard for herself, for me, for us, and i would hurt her by saying and feeling such things.

still ...

i think i'll stop here (for now?). but before i do, i just want to extend my sincerest and deepest gratitude to all who have been by my side and my family's side during this difficult period of time. be it visiting her whenever she had to be admitted to the hospital, reaching out to my sister/my mother/me and offering to help in whatever way possible, sending words of kindness and love and encouragement and goodwill our way, sending prayers our way ... especially during the past few days before my mother passed on.

thank you to those who have been with me and being my pillars of support - and now my sister's too. thank you for spending days and nights with me be it in the hospital or out of it, comforting and encouraging me, praying for my mother, reaching out to my sister and i in whatever way possible, buying us food and drinks and ensuring our well-being while looking out for my mother. all of you know who you are. xoxo