Date : Tuesday, 27 February 2018
Time : 02:51
Title : Judgmental people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i've pretty much had it with people who meet me and think they know me altogether. like hey we could call ourselves friends for a few years and we could have known each other for a long time, even over a decade. but does that actually account for anything ...? because i don't think so lmao.

in my old blog, i blogged about this issue in 2012 ... yeah you can read it here, scroll 'til you find the post dated March 26.

i cannot believe that it's been six years and i have to reiterate myself.

i. do. not. have. an. accent. i think i sound perfectly fine.

it's true i try to 'blend' in with people i've grown up with and surrounded myself with. for those who know, i'm not 100% 'local' local. i actually kind of can't be bothered with the complicated dynamics here, only my current boyfriend knows the WHOLE storm (apart from my own family, of course) of a family i have and the turbulence within. i don't wish to go into awkward stories and details about the stuff i experienced after being born in singapore and growing up here, that has led me to who i am today.

which is why i'm most grateful for my classmates and friends in LASALLE (yes that's where i'm currently studying at now, i haven't updated this space in forever) because i can speak the way i want to speak, speak the way i USUALLY DO speak, and not get judged for it.

actually now that i look back at my old blog entries ... my confidence back when i was younger is fucking laughable. it was to the point of arrogance, even. i'll admit. i'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer and i had to go through a fair bit before becoming who i am right now at this freaking age of 25.

but it's very funny how i managed to love myself so much back then, to the point of fucking narcissism (i wrote an essay for school on this topic, maybe i'll put it up here), and right now i don't know where my confidence has gone to.

maybe i'm really just still an immature brat who still needs her parents. maybe i just need the right person to come in to my life and tell me they'll stay - and actually mean what they say.

maybe, just maybe, after a little over two decades of pretending, i have already lost myself.

and i'm not sure if i can ever find myself back.