Date : Monday, 10 June 2019
Time : 00:59
Title : back again, but not with good news.

Date : Wednesday, 7 March 2018
Time : 16:44
Title : An open letter to ...

7 March 2018.

it's been a whole year since my mother's passing. i can't believe how much time has flown. i just got back from seeing my mother - and my dear grandfather - at their final resting place and i feel that i have some things i want to get off my chest. it's gonna be one heck of a lengthy post i presume, but i don't really care because 1) i doubt anyone actually reads this space haha and 2) i just need to get it all down here. so here goes ...

i'm sure a number of you have already known by now about the recent, not-so-courteous remark made by an anonymous being hiding behind a fake name (possibly) and a fake profile (definitely). well, this harassment has actually been going on for over a year now. it was actually targeted at my best friend, but for some strange reason i've had to face it too. not that anything actually gets to me much, i'll be frank, because first off whatever happened that sparked all this drama in the first place is so ... passé. like literally it happened over a year ago and i'm not too sure why some people find joy in thinking they're oh-so-great by creating fake social media profiles, hiding behind made-up names/impersonating other people, and going around spreading hate messages and thinking they're bloody invincible just because "no one can find out who they are because they've assumed a fake identity". i hate to be the one to break it to you, but honey, maybe no one knows now, but God is always watching - whether you believe in religion or not. and karma is so, so real.


there's a natural law of karma that vindictive people, who go out of their way to hurt others, will end up broke and alone. and i like how after having one fake profile reported and taken down for spam, another one immediately springs up. it's almost as if these people - or this person, i suspect - won't know when it's time to call it quits - but can we hardly blame them? 😂

also i find it EXTREMELY laughable how these people keep hiding behind empty profiles with fake names and fake photos can just target people and go "Block me on facebook ah? Scared ah?" when they're the ones who are too cowardly to show their REAL faces and REAL names and instead have to resort to trying to bring people down while hiding their identities lololol. it's also extremely funny because numerous times i've suggested meeting face-to-face to resolve this one-sided animosity once and for all yet all i get is shit like "I will meet you when I feel like it" "Why should I waste my time meeting you?" 😂 make no mistake, THESE very same people are the ones calling others cowardly. it's so ridiculous to the point of being pathetic.

with regards to the latest "attack" that brought my mother very unceremoniously into the picture, i'd like to extend my sincerest gratitude to all who showed concern and took action; y'all know who you are. but i swear, i'm SUPER unbothered; here's a little anecdote for everyone - when i was still interning at this large japanese firm during my polytechnic days and we had to go to the main office, i laughed at one of my mates back then because he kept getting hit by the turnstiles in the building that we were still taking time getting used to. right after lunch as we were going back to the office, everyone passed through the turnstiles smoothly except me and i got hit exactly where he got hit in the morning. after that all i could do was laugh awkwardly along with everyone else LOL. coincidence? maybe. but it affirms my belief that karma is real. it may not hit you immediately (no pun intended here) like what happened to me, but when it does, you'll feel so stupidly embarrassed and ashamed that you even did whatever you did at all.

i may not be perfect, i'm flawed - just like everybody else. but i do know that ultimately i am and will be infinitely better than such people like them because no matter what, i have enough respect for others to never, ever bring in family members like that into an argument - more so the deceased, because i do have dignity. one thing about them tables is that they ALWAYS turn. and at the end of the day, when such people are bereft and sad and alone, they'll know what got to them - because their hearts are just so full of hatred and wickedness that they cannot let bygones be bygones and just live and let live. instead, they sit behind their computer/phone screens and waste their lives away stalking my profile, my best friend's profile, creating fake profiles to try and get to us, trying to keep up with what's happening in our lives - when actually, all that time can be used to try and better their own lives and stop being so hateful. but well, some people just don't have an ounce of intellect, do they?

in light of today being exactly one year since my mother's passing, i'd like to say thank you to all who have been with me through the good and the bad. i'd like to say i'm sorry for hurting those i hurt when i was hurting, but thank you again for not leaving my side. i'd also like to say that if there's one thing my mother taught me, it's to always be understanding and mindful of those who are less fortunate than i am, so much that they turn into such bitter beings because the world made them so. 😊 so yes, i'm totally fine, because i believe such people will get what's coming to them sooner or later. and by then what i will do is pour myself a nice, chilled glass of cabernet sauvignon and smile. because i do have other things in life to be bothered about, other truly important matters that deserve my attention instead of such hateful beings that obviously don't know any better.

TL;DR people who create their own drama deserve their own karma.

i may not be the best person there is, but i will keep trying to be. because i know my sister and i were brought up well. ^__^

7 March 2018.
mom, i hope wherever you are, you know that i love you always and that i miss you still. ❤️

Date : Tuesday, 27 February 2018
Time : 02:51
Title : Judgmental people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i've pretty much had it with people who meet me and think they know me altogether. like hey we could call ourselves friends for a few years and we could have known each other for a long time, even over a decade. but does that actually account for anything ...? because i don't think so lmao.

in my old blog, i blogged about this issue in 2012 ... yeah you can read it here, scroll 'til you find the post dated March 26.

i cannot believe that it's been six years and i have to reiterate myself.

i. do. not. have. an. accent. i think i sound perfectly fine.

it's true i try to 'blend' in with people i've grown up with and surrounded myself with. for those who know, i'm not 100% 'local' local. i actually kind of can't be bothered with the complicated dynamics here, only my current boyfriend knows the WHOLE storm (apart from my own family, of course) of a family i have and the turbulence within. i don't wish to go into awkward stories and details about the stuff i experienced after being born in singapore and growing up here, that has led me to who i am today.

which is why i'm most grateful for my classmates and friends in LASALLE (yes that's where i'm currently studying at now, i haven't updated this space in forever) because i can speak the way i want to speak, speak the way i USUALLY DO speak, and not get judged for it.

actually now that i look back at my old blog entries ... my confidence back when i was younger is fucking laughable. it was to the point of arrogance, even. i'll admit. i'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer and i had to go through a fair bit before becoming who i am right now at this freaking age of 25.

but it's very funny how i managed to love myself so much back then, to the point of fucking narcissism (i wrote an essay for school on this topic, maybe i'll put it up here), and right now i don't know where my confidence has gone to.

maybe i'm really just still an immature brat who still needs her parents. maybe i just need the right person to come in to my life and tell me they'll stay - and actually mean what they say.

maybe, just maybe, after a little over two decades of pretending, i have already lost myself.

and i'm not sure if i can ever find myself back.

Date : Wednesday, 10 May 2017
Time : 15:35
Title : grad day 2017.

so i finally graduated from republic polytechnic yesterday, 09/05/2017! 😁 to be entirely honest, i wasn't planning on attending my own graduation ceremony - because of my mother, who is no longer with us ... and having a 9:30am ceremony to me meant that i couldn't invite a lot of people, as it's a working weekday after all. but after quite a number of people spoke to me, i made the last-minute decision to go. and in some ways i'm quite glad i did. =')

Date : Saturday, 29 April 2017
Time : 17:45
Title : sometimes.

sometimes i wonder why i allow myself to be put in such a position whereby i only end up getting hurt and nothing more.

sometimes i wonder why i allow one human to affect me so immensely.

sometimes i wonder why i am so bad at making good judgments.

sometimes i wonder why i am still holding on when you've clearly let go.

sometimes i wonder why i am so fucking stupid.

sometimes i wonder why i keep trying so hard and giving you everything i can without making sure you want it.

sometimes i wonder why i am constantly giving and giving 'til it hurts.

sometimes i wonder why i always say "i'm done", yet at the first possible opportunity i go right back.

sometimes ...






sometimes i wonder why i am still so in love with you.

Date : Wednesday, 8 March 2017
Time : 04:26
Title : from the bottom of my broken heart.

7 March 2017, 19:53.

this was when my mother left me, left us, left this world.

in september of 2017, i will turn 24. my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when i was 12 years old. it has been an intensely long fight against cancer for my mother, a decade and two years to be exact. in my immediate family, my mother's passing is the second death i will have to live with, the first being my dearly beloved late grandfather - her father - when i was 6. many of you don't know this, and probably cannot tell - especially from the way i carry myself, but i carry with me this sort of trauma and grief from watching him die before my very eyes. it is an unpleasant - and even this word is an understatement - feeling to feel your loved one's hand turn from warm to stone cold in yours.

it is with my greatest regret that i could not even say my final goodbyes to my mother when she left, because i was on my way to attending my late grandfather's younger brother's funeral when it happened. i am not usually very superstitious by nature, but i guess it is true when they say never to cut your nails at night, because if you do, you will not be with your parents when they die. this superstition held very true for me, and although i sound quite unfeeling in this entry, all of you cannot fathom the hurt and guilt and grief i carry inside. i think my mother did not wait for me to reach the hospital before leaving because she wanted to spare me the emotional torture i still carry from my grandfather's death. even in death, i like to think she was still sparing a thought for my feelings.

not that it makes me feel any better.

i have not been the greatest daughter to my parents - brazen, arrogant, overly-confident, even rude and cold at times. my parents have grown old and weary from their teachings and naggings and scoldings and even beatings and death threats, yet i came to realise my mistakes only when i was still in my teens. even so, until now, i feel that i am still that arrogant kid they often had to go down to school to apologise to my teachers/lecturers for some very unkind and unforgivable behavior/words. especially my mother, who went through that period of immense sadness when i very nearly got expelled from ITE.

because i was wrapped up in my own times of turmoil, i selfishly distanced myself from my family, choosing instead to make them happy by living up to their educational expectations of me as the eldest child, trying my utmost best in school and bringing home grades that they would deem acceptable. my younger sister, on the other hand, sacrificed all she had in her life at that point in time when my mother's cancer took a turn for the worse. my sister did everything she could for our mother, and i will never get the chance to apologise to my mother now for not being there for her enough. i only did so when it started getting a little too late. as everyone says, it is useless regretting now, but i can't help myself.

when i was asked to bring my mother's things to the hospital in preparation for the funeral, i felt like shooting myself through my head with a gun would hurt less than having to go through her things one by one - and yet not knowing what she would have liked to be dressed in in her death. i am not writing this for pity, but i really feel like a fucking failure as her daughter - the elder one, in fact. i do not know how to face my mother when i see her again when my time comes, because there are so many things i want to say to her, do with her and for her, yet i have been robbed of words - the same way i have been robbed of future days with her. even in her passing, i am still nothing but a failure.

my mother was a beautiful woman full of love, kindness, and optimism. she always had a kind smile and kind words for everyone, and she was so cheerful and wise. she tolerated me for 24 whole years of her life yet she lost her battle against cancer and i'm not sure why ... but if this is Heaven's will, if my late grandfather has to have her join him, i can't say or do anything about it. i just hope that people - those who do know my mother and/or have memories with her - remember my mother's warmth and genuinity, my mother's smile and laughter, my mother's triumphs and joys, my mother's strength and unrelenting fight against cancer ... until this fateful day.

cancer. fucking. sucks.

on a side note it's only the third month into 2017 and i already feel like nothing will ever go well for me. the man i love left me in february, and now in march my mother left me. i'm not sure what else can break my already broken heart further and i don't know if i can ever find the strength to carry on in life properly, but i know my mother fought so long and so hard for herself, for me, for us, and i would hurt her by saying and feeling such things.

still ...

i think i'll stop here (for now?). but before i do, i just want to extend my sincerest and deepest gratitude to all who have been by my side and my family's side during this difficult period of time. be it visiting her whenever she had to be admitted to the hospital, reaching out to my sister/my mother/me and offering to help in whatever way possible, sending words of kindness and love and encouragement and goodwill our way, sending prayers our way ... especially during the past few days before my mother passed on.

thank you to those who have been with me and being my pillars of support - and now my sister's too. thank you for spending days and nights with me be it in the hospital or out of it, comforting and encouraging me, praying for my mother, reaching out to my sister and i in whatever way possible, buying us food and drinks and ensuring our well-being while looking out for my mother. all of you know who you are. xoxo

Date : Sunday, 18 September 2016
Time : 16:10
Title : september.

september is my - and my sister's - birthday month, but this year i feel very indifferent about my birthday. well, first off, i've started my internship with several other friends in a large japanese multi-national IT firm. tomorrow is technically day 5 of internship (not counting the weekends right?) and i hope it'll be good. 💪

after our exams, we had about two weeks of holidays before starting internship. several good happenings took place those two weeks actually - such as bf's birthday, jasmin's ROM at her house, a short catch-up session with my dear muzirah, dinner and catch-up session with the two darlings timothy and umaira, chill-out sessions and/or just simply spending time with my one and only boyfriend, dinner (a birthday treat from the nicest CK) with bf and his great bros ... 😁😁 really grateful to have amazing people in my life!!

some pictures -

5 September 2016; bf's birthday!!! ❤️
met up with bf's colleagues mayor and priscilla at fengshan bedok 85 at 11+ at night to prepare to surprise bf - and bobo (bf's supervisor at work) too, as they both share the same birthday hehe. the three of us had to wait for quite a while as the rest were coming straight from work and they knocked off at 11pm. when everyone was settled down i treated them to a bucket of beer first, before adrian (their nice boss hehe) came in and paid for almost everything we ate and drank that night. >_< thank you adrian!!!


a lot of them left shortly after most of the food and half of the beer was finished, as they were tired from work and some had things to attend to the following morning. in the end it was just me with bf, adrian and ravi chilling out after eating and drinking all the beer hahaha.

in the evening, went over to bf's workplace for more drinking and chilling with the rest again. plenty of heart-to-heart talks and laughter all around. grateful that bf introduced me to them rather early on in our relationship and that we all managed to quickly become friends, and that they don't exclude me in anything or treat me differently just because i don't work there. =')

8 September 2016; Jasmin's ROM + catch-up sesh with Muzirah!





10 September 2016; day out with bf, Timothy, and Umaira!




12 September 2016; last day of freedom before internship *boohoo*
not many photos taken that day but i'm really thankful to bf's bros alvin, chengkhiang, and yueyan for their presence that evening! short time out together but i had a good time all the same.



my internship so far has been okay i guess. glad to have great friends with me in the same company that makes it all bearable. ='D also feeling beyond grateful to my mother and grandmother for their red packet of blessings and well-wishes before 13/09 came. it's not about the money inside, but their thoughts and regards for my well-being and their wanting me to do well. ❤️


16 September 2016; my birthday.
honestly i didn't have much of an intention to celebrate my birthday this year. on 15/09 some of us were sent over to the national institute of education (at freaking nanyang walk omg, my journey there was torture) which is like an overhead bridge away from nanyang technological university.

a little digression - long ago i told myself i would really fight tooth and nail to be admitted into a university after attaining my diploma and i was really looking to get a degree in either philosophy, sociology, english, or communication studies - in NTU. but right now i retract my statements for two reasons: 1) the fucking arduous journey i have to make from home to school five days a week, and 2) my current grades are simply not good enough to grant me admission. the latter hurts me a lot but the first reason was enough to piss me off on thursday morning lol. i got lost so many times and i was all alone in this other side of singapore and it was SO BLOODY WARM. >=(

so anyway i was already pissed off and moody and warm and when we went for lunch at NTU i felt even worse. i bet almost all those students there are either my age or a year younger, and they're in university - the final lap of education before coming out to society as a working adult. and me? struggling to complete internship smoothly and get my diploma. these people are working on their way to a degree and what am i doing?

let's not forget that a lot of people i went to school with, who are my age, are already working adults and most of them doing what they love.

nowdays i look around at people i used to know and while i'm genuinely happy for everyone embarking on their own paths and being happy with their lives, a very large part of me can't help but be almost depressed that i'm somewhat stuck in a rut. when i was younger people looked at me with so much promise and potential and now i'm just shying away from these very people whose chests would practically SWELL with pride in seeing me succeed. i don't talk to a lot of people anymore not just because life has gotten in the way, but because i don't feel like i fit in with them or i can match up to these standards.

people who are closer to me can see me struggling right now in this course and school, and they have said once or twice how impressed they are with me for not giving up and for trying to make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed me. but what nobody actually sees is this major inferiority that eats me alive every passing day.

right now, that's exactly what i'm feeling. adults think i'm still a child, whereas children think i'm this half-adult of sorts; a clumsy adult bumping into life's obstacles and still pretty much clueless about pretty much most things. at this age i feel that i'm sucked into a huge vortex of emotions and thoughts and judgments, and it's this huge roller-coaster ride every single day which i can't seem to get off. i love roller-coasters and fun park rides but on this ride in life i think i'm about to be sick real soon.

i'm still grateful for pretty much everything though - the dinner + drinking session with timothy and umaira which tim said was for bf's and my birthdays, dinner at yoogane with the boys for our birthdays too, and for the little birthday celebration bf and the lovely peeps at bf's workplace. i'm also grateful to all who greeted me on my birthday and took their time to remember me, and for my amazing friends who actually wanted to celebrate my birthday with me. i'm sorry no plan actually materialised, due to several reasons, but i'm still grateful y'all had the thoughts. =')



here's to better days,

xo